Finding My Way

Comment

Comment by Giovannni on June 27, 2011 at 3:44pm

Hi everyone; I find my self today having maybe one of the most hard days I had in the past few weeks, today is just plain painful and out crazy.

While I had my restaurant and my past life..towards the end after my accident; I had to make a big choice, to let go of that part of my life and to accept this steamroller of pain and new life, still there are things I just cannot get away from.

Even though I have always paid my taxes and did everything correct since I've been in this country, I still have a small very small debt with uncle Sam, and even though I have not denied or say I will not pay, they do not care they just keep increasing the debt with interest %, from 4,000 dollars to 9,000 in one year...That's just crazy.

The funny thing of all is that because I was self employed and I was making X amount of money a year, I do not qualify to get any sort of benefits not unemployment or any kind of benefit for that matter.

I have paid into the system for 25 years I cannot collect anything, they are aware of my situation and know that I'm not working or making any money and that we are barely making it!!!! I guess that doesn't matter, I love this country it has given me the opportunity to be what I wanted and better my self but this part I really hate.

I know and understand that I have to fulfill that obligation, but for them to just keep putting the interest % every month that passes, is just crazy..I feel so cheated by the system; I'm angry and just so frustrated. How unfair I feel the whole system is, I never got bale out; never got a break never asked for anything nor I'm doing now, but where is all the money I contribute over all this years I guess that's how it works and that's the reason so many American retire abroad, it's so sad for me that you can work and love this country and at the same time cannot be able to live here and retire here.  I guess I'm just venting this is a crazy thing for me...now on top of trying to find my self adn trying to find a way to adjust and learn to live with CRPS, that is driving me crazy I have to deal with this issue....GOD all I can do right now is my best and try to find a solution for it but what?? how can I do that and not let this affect the small progress I have now???????I need to relax and find my meditation and let go for now!!!!

Comment by Giovannni on June 14, 2011 at 8:14am

Hi Carol, Mine was implanted over a year ago and it does work but not as much is the trial the trial maybe took away about 45% of the pain away; but the real implant it took it away maybe about 5-10% and for some reason that no one can tell me or has expressed to me, is spreading to my lower back and leg. I get this like broken blood Vasilis in my hand, back and leg..and it get painful to the point that walking or seating for long time. I do not know if it will help at this point we are looking with my neurosurgeon to either change the battery and or cut the sympathetic nerve, which to be honest I will have to be out of my mind to do; because there is no way to re-attach that. So right now Im in the big unknown so will see...thank you for you comments and I will not loose my faith or my goal to find my life back on a different way, maybe not as a chef but using my brain to do something else.

Thank you

 

Giovanni

Comment by Carol Levy on June 13, 2011 at 2:44pm

I don'lt know when you had your implant implanted but my first implant, a dorsal column stimulator implant for my facial pain, did not work.  My doc and I agreed it would be removed but I was not yet ready for another op.  3 months after it was put in, it suddenly started working taking away 85% of my pain. I met another pt with the same story and my doc told me they were surprised to get a lot of tales like that where it did not work at all and then suddenly it started working so don;t give up on it,

Carol

http://apainedlife.blogspot.com/

(and my website www.womeninpainawareness.ning.com )

Comment by Giovannni on June 9, 2011 at 9:02pm

Good Evening my painful friends(hahahah) I have to tell you guys a great beautiful story; I been dealing with this issue of chronic pain for.....let me see almost 3 years, and every day I keep learning something new about my self.

I cannot believe that hitting bottom as I called it is actually the best way to find what you are made of!!! I never really understood my self very well; I was raise by a great man and woman my grandparents. Who give me all the wisdom and love in the world, I think they were preparing me for this specific time in my life; my father (grand) was a great man, noble and understanding always willing to give a hand even when he had nothing to give...when I came to this country I was 14 and thought I knew it all. I wanted to be a lawyer a psychologist; a doctor everything..but inside me was something called tradition, I was in-love with food. Food was first love, I guess for Sicilians is in our blood in our genes...that's what our lifes are all about, anyway without knowing I became a chef and I just never left..I did everything in the industry from being a dishwasher, to cook, server, busboy, assitant to the assistant of the manager, the food manager, direcotor of operations, geeral manager, to own my own restaurant.

I actually thought I had it all, I thouht I was great; but that came to a great cost...I was never around I was missing what was the most valuevable things in my life, my family.

I had forgoten who I was I forgot what my father imprinted in my head, family is the most valuable and most important thing in our life, our values and what we past on to our kids is and it will be the best we can give to our kids, not money; but the foundaton to be the best human beings as they can and if they achieve that they will find happyness and value in life regardless of what career they choose.

Throught my journey of remembering that, I been rediscovering my self and trying to forgive my self, is going to take a long time for me to be able to do that; but no matter what I have my kids, my values, and those great memories of that great man that was my father, I until this day feel he is always around; and the funny thing is that now that I'm dealing with this insane thing called Chronic Pain..I'm re-finding my values; I have this little friend a little humming bird, it is funny even my wife has notice when I'm feeling sad or down and having a hard day which is ussually everyday...in the morning when I get up and come to my front window by the kitchen when drinking my cofee, he appears out of nowhere and if I'm not there he starts to called me until I show up...the same in the afternoons, but most of the times it happens when I'm feeling extremely bad...I just need to stand by my patio door and in less than a minute he appears, I told my wife he is my higher power friend. My connection between my self and my god or my grandfather looking over me, I don't really knwo for how long this has happen but since my accident I have become more aware of he being around.

I know it may sound crazy but it gives me hope and it makes me feel especial; especially now when I'm trying to find my way back to be the man I was at least mentally..because phycally I'll never be the same.

But I have my humming bird friend and guide, he is my hope and higer power! I will post some pictures of him, thats the other funny thing I can take pictures of him wheneven I want he will not even move.

 

have a wonderful nitght

 

Gio

Comment by Stacie Cavallaro on June 9, 2011 at 5:02pm

Hi Gio,

I fully understand the guilty feelings you mention. My husband and I are empty-nesters and we had made so many plans for this stage in our lives. We had sold our larger home and purchased a smaller one; we had planned on renovating the house; we planned on travelling ..... oh, so many plans! But because of my accident, there will be no vacations, no renovations to our home ... not much of anything other than dealing with my condition. I felt as if I had destroyed my husband's life ... so guilty that I actually offered him a divorce! How stupid was that! But we are partners and we will get through this together, just like you and your wife will get through this together. I realize that it is more difficult for a man than it is for a woman - men have such big egos and they are supposed to be the supporters of the family, etc. My husband is Italian, too, so I have a very good understanding of how you think and feel. I am certain your wife doesn't have a problem with working in order to help support your family. Again, you work together for the good of your family. There are no score cards - you don't keep track of who is contributing more than the other. And I have learned something else ..... memories are something which no one can ever take away from us. I thank God for my memories and I cherish them every single day.

Wishing you a comfortable evening, and please write again soon.

Stacie

 

Comment by Giovannni on June 9, 2011 at 2:24pm

Thank you Stacy, I'm glad to hear what you have to said; for so long i have been isolated because of how I had felt in the past. It is difficult to keep one self positive and thinking that you are just as normal as you used to be, but the reality is that we are not...anymore we have this chronic pain issue that we have to learn to deal with, and as you said we have to surround our self with good and positive people.

I cannot be around people that is moody or mean, or selfish for that matter; just because I'm not that way at all even with all of my chronic pain issues I still have my brain and that works fine, so I try to learn as much as I can about anything computer, phones, (iphone) in this case, I love things I cannot understand that well I love to find solutions for. I'm very lucky that I have a great wife, whom I know it's difficult for her to see me in this situation, but she does her best to understand and be as supportive as she can. I think in the past, before my accident I was very ego driven I wanted to be the best at everything I was doing; and in a very short time I was nominated the best chef of my area by two mayor magazines and news papers, my food since it was regional to Sicily where is were I was raise, it was as original and people thought It was great, I used to do on hand classes, and that was my biggest drive. Now all I have are those memories and those feelings...one of my biggest issues since my accident its and still is; GUILT dealing with that..I feel a huge guilt of dealing with the fact that my wife had to go back to work full time to be able to support our family, as a man for me that is HARD, but I'm learning that some circumstances in life and some thing are out of our control so I do have to learn to forgive me self, and to let go of that guilt. Which drove me to almost commit suicide, because of that..I think I hit bottom and I'm so happy that I went thru that because now I can understand my feelings and deal with them..I'm learning to be a better human being and understand what I'm going thru. So take it one day at the time and learn to be happy with my pain and re-invent my self.

Thank you

Gio     

Comment by Stacie Cavallaro on June 9, 2011 at 1:42pm

Hi Gio,

After reading your blog, I just want you to know that I think everyone here at HoH can relate to your situation. It is so very difficult to have everything taken away from you in a split second. Whether it's due to an accident or an illness, it is so devastating. We are not only forced to deal with the excrutiating pain, but we must re-define ourselves as human beings. I was injured in a work-related accident in 2006 and I have gone through so much - doctors, treatments, procedures.  The pain and torment has been intolerable at times. I did not know just where I fit it any longer, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself. Fortunately I have the  love and support of my husband, my family and my friends. But I have to admit that I have lost many friends due to my disability, and that in itself hurt me so badly. The lonliness and isolation was terrible.

Since joining HoH several months ago, I have met some truely wonderful people who have helped me through some very difficult times. I have come to realize that I am not alone and that there are so many people in the same situation. I have also learned the art of meditation, which has helped me to calm myself during difficult periods. I still have my bad times, but I am learning just how to deal with them. I think the most important thing I have learned is that just because I have certain limitations, I am still the same person i was prior to my accident. I remind myself of this every day. I can still have a full and happy life, and you cann, as well. Surround yourself with positive people and positive things. I do not have room in my life for negativity, as all it does is bring me to a place where I do not wish to go. And most of all, I am learning to be kinder and less critical of myself. I am a good person, as I am sure you are, so why not treat ourselves better?

I wish the best for you during this difficult time. But please hang in there and know that you can have a full and happy life! I look forward to hearing from you again.

Stacie