Frustration has become my entire life =(

Comment

Comment by Edania M. Maldonado on May 11, 2011 at 2:08pm

I can't pick and choose at this point or accept an Incomplete grade, as I must earn a C or better in all courses, along with 30 total credits! I'm also already on a reduced course load and definitely can't take less classes.  Besides, all of the assignments are pivotal and my Philosophy professor can only extend the due-date for one paper up to the final exam day and no longer. By no means, can I afford to fail a course either! Both my English and Philosophy professors are hesitant to try understanding the toll(s) my condition could cause me or how they do so!! I need to register for summer school very soon too and therefore must work miracles in limited time. It might be grueling, but should be possible, judging from past experiences. Not sure how many more baby steps I can take without eventually getting to my ultimate goals and quite frankly it's killing me.

 

Call me unreasonable, but I feel it's very unfair to me that varying doctors hold distinct opinions, regarding my health issues, because it obstructs my ability to acquire certain special accommodation, especially for academia. Why MUST physical therapists, chiropractors, and occupational therapists now get DOCTORATE DEGREES when BEFORE they didn't absolutely have too if their medical notes aren't valid documentations of disabilities!?!?

 

Thanks for your response and obviously good intentions Hallie; I really appreciate it! I totally understand your conflict with that inner voice, as I'm often stuck in the same situation. Please don't be too hard on yourself for cutting class this morning and putting your health above all else. It seems you really needed to do just that and nothing more, after all ;D Remember, you could very well (always) be your own worst critic ;) Gee, guess I should really practice what I preach!? Well, that's much easier said than done sometimes. I need to get somewhere significant, even if I'm gradually ascending a "staircase," and thus can't have all the time in the world to play with.  Somehow I'm inclined to meet somewhat unrealistic expectations and I admittedly can be a perfectionist at times.  I'm practically defective right now and hope you're not going to judge me based on what I've exposed about myself here. Well, thanks again for all of your support.

 

 

Take care!

I hope you're feeling ok :)

Comment by Hallie Winchell on May 11, 2011 at 1:26pm

Edania -- I am so sorry to hear you're in a bad bind with school.  At this point if you can truly pick one thing that is the most pivotal or which is the easiest to salvage from the current situation with grades & coursework.  Perhaps the English paper would be a good choice, and even though it would mean you're likely unable to turn in the Philosophy paper on time, my suggestion would be to request an official extension from the professor for that philosophy assignment.  Or, if that is not possible, it would be feasible to consider taking an I (incomplete) in the class so you can make it up for the next semester.  You can't work miracles in a limited amount of time, so I suggest you try to figure out what would be easier for you to make happen in the most complete way to salvage as many grades as possible.  

Also, perhaps taking only 2 classes or 3 classes next semester would be better.  Baby steps, as Nicole says, are important.  So trying to force yourself into taking more classes than you could manage if things do get bad again, might be giving yourself more stress than you need at this time. 

I truly hope your studies improve to be less strenous, and I wish you good luck.  I do the best I can, and even though I have an evil critic in my head telling me every choice I make that is "wrong" for my studying duties, such as taking the morning off today because I was so fatigued & sleepy from the night before that required me to take more pain medication than normal, I literally was almost unfunctioning until around 11 am.  This critic makes it really hard to feel good about doing what I need for my own health, because I guess this inner fear that generates the critic is constantly pushing me to do more in order to somehow prove I am "enough" or worth something instead of nothing.  So I know how overwhelming and challenging this type of situation is, & I am with you in your journey to continue school despite your health keeping you from typing much less concentrating.  Keep at it, and it doesn't mean anything negative if you have to take an I or take a class again, it just means you need extra time, there's no shame or horrible elements related to needing more time.

Hallie

Comment by Edania M. Maldonado on May 10, 2011 at 7:55pm

 

Sorry you're going through such a rough time Hallie ;) As Nicole said though ;/ you're definitely not alone and have many supporters =/ which includes myself! =/ I'm also amazed and inspired by your determination, especially in going through "hell," but also rising above it =D I'm glad to see it looks as if you've taken Nicole's post to heart and I am also happy that your romance life is relatively stable -_-

 

Frustration has taken over my life lately too. I've been having painstakingly frequent RSD, migraine, and mysterious breathing problem flares within the past few weeks. I've also been feeling ridiculously lethargic and nauseated.  All the aforementioned and some more obstacles have prevented me from getting critical coursework done. I am a full-time freshman undergraduate collegiate student, who happened to fall extremely ill last semester. My sickness was severely detrimental to school, extra-curricular activities, co-curricular activities, and everyday routines. I had to move back home and am presently attending another college, hopefully temporarily. I'm supposed to be on the home stretch for this semester now, but I am planning on taking a handful of courses at one of my local community colleges this upcoming summer.

 

To be re-admitted into my previous university, which I'm hoping will be possible for the Fall 2011 semester, I need a total of 30 college credits, including the 11 I earned there and a C or better in all courses taken. I have an English and a Philosophy one due on Thursday, May 12th, 2011 at 12:00 PM on the dot! Being that I've been in a terribly poor condition recently, I haven't been able to progress much with the English assignment and have failed to start the philosophy one. Having spastic, trembling hands for weeks did not help, as I couldn't really type or write, in addition to having minimal focus, while enduring great agony. In addition, my laptop is gravely infected, I lost my flash drive with part of the English paper on it, and I've bumped into many (minor) conflicts with other elements of the particular paper. While I can type and write better now, it's very debilitating, believe it or not. My English professor is somehow convinced that I won't let her down and will turn in that paper on the due-date, despite efforts to express how difficult it is. I told her I've barely gotten any of it done and she said, then I simply have to work hard for the remainder of today and tomorrow night, with sacrifice of sleep, as if I even sleep to begin with! When I told her that I don't sleep anyway, she said "So, what's two more days!?" I've alerted her of my CRPS and sickness from last semester. She said "ok." to the RSD and nothing more. As for the illness she says well I'm not sick anymore and in regards to typing or writing difficulties, she says well I can do it now, even if last week it wasn't a possibility. Honestly, while I'm not generally feeling crappy to the same extent as last semester, I'm definitely not all better, or "fine and dandy," as this professor claims I look and seem to her!!

 

Yesterday I had an Italian test and tomorrow there's a review for the final exam of that class. Today my history extra credit paper was due and I didn't make it in to school on time for that class, so hopefully the professor received my paper via e-mail. Thursday, not only are my English and Philosophy papers due; I'm also being further exposed to my English final exam, which I'm already dreading. Friday I have my last history test for this semester. Over the weekend I have a First Communion to attend on the bright side. On the other had, I'll probably have to cram for my English and History finals too. While my Philosophy professor insists that I work on everything at once, the English professor thinks I should worry about one at a time. Truthfully, I don't have the energy or concentration to do either or momentarily.

 

For almost all of my English assignments I've gotten As, but if I don't do well or hand in the paper I'm responsible for, I'll get a 50 or lower for the class. I haven't really been doing well in philosophy and desperately need a "decent" grade, but I'm presently incapable of the work :( I'm stressed out and overwhelmed beyond belief that everything is going to backfire, after months of tireless and tedious work. It seems as if I'm bound to flunk at least half of my present classes now and I have nowhere to turn for much-needed assistance in this great ordeal. I’d like to have some fun or at least a bit of “personal time and space” intermittently, but I’m apparently undeserving of such concepts…

 

TO ANYONE WHO’S READING/READ THIS:

I'm really sorry for going on ranting and furthermore so extensively :l

 

Nicole and Hallie I hope you're both feeling great or significantly better now!! :]

 

 

  

Comment by Hallie Winchell on May 10, 2011 at 12:06pm

Thank you for your support Nicole.  It means a lot to me.  Patrick is amazing and I know he accepts me, I have found true love for the first time in my life & now that I have it & things are out of control I am terrified it will slip out of my hands.  He understands me very well, more than I know, and he has dealt with intense health issues too -- not pain but surgeries and struggles of his own that caused short term pain or long term challenges.  He is a truly genuine person and it is so hard to find those type of powerful individuals.  I know he is the right man for me, but I can't help the anxiety about driving him away -- even though he keeps telling me "I'm not going anywhere."

 

We talk a lot, we're communicators, and we try to be honest & communicate those things we may realize after self reflection so the other person can have the needed information to maybe understand better the situation at hand or in the future.  So I should try to relieve myself of this burden of fear that he won't understand me or that I am not good enough for him, maybe it should be my new small baby step to try to stop taking on burdens that are not relevant to this very moment & stop borrowing troubles.  That way I can focus on those things that are truly more pivotal now.  Its a thought.

 

I try not to throw pity parties, but I think I am very practiced at repressing my feelings & when I can't hold it in any longer I just bubble over like a pot on the stove.  I also don't always want to be a burden to others so even when I need something to be changed I have hesitated to ask for help, or make it clear this is a priority.  So in the end I don't get what was needed and the other person is stunned when I explode and explain I am frustrated that I didn't arrange to have this thing I needed. 

I will attempt to be more clear with my needs.  & I hope maybe if I try to work harder at my school work I can simply survive the term & move on to other more enjoyable studies.  

 

Thank you for being out there.  It is going to take time to remind myself I am not alone, but your speedy reply made it possible for me to feel as if I am truly not on my own.   Thank you =)

Comment by Nicole Hemmenway on May 10, 2011 at 11:49am

Hallie,

First of all, know we are here and you are not alone. Reading your message took me back to those times and feelings. I used to scream and throw pity parties too; in fact, I think it is healing. We need to be able to let go of the repressed emotions. You are amazingly strong, courageous and resilient. You have been through hell, and yet you find the strength to move forward. I am in awe of that.

 

I know what it is like to fear losing love because of pain. Open communication and good dialogue helps. What I learned to is that if a person could not accept all of me (the crazy, excruciating days and the joyful, fun ones), than that person was not right for me. Control is a big issue for those with pain. I know I tried to control every outer thing because I had lost full control of my body.

 

We are all here. Just take it moment by moment. You are loved and supported.