Life is always fulfilling even with pain!!

I like to start this off by saying a simple phrase; we still have fulfilling lives even in the presence of chronic pain. I say this knowing each and everyone of you have a fulfilling life even if you think you don’t.

I remember when I came to the realization that I was unable to go back to doing what I loved which was cooking and catering for a living. It was probably 6 months after my second surgery. I was devastated and lost, I became angry, depressed, I denied it, I grieved and I spiraled down to self loathing and pity for myself. I was convinced I would never have a fulfilling life and my life meant nothing and I was useless to everyone.

It took me a long time to realize this was not true, it really took several years of just about giving up, making excuses, saying the pain was to great to do anything, being so depressed that I would stay in bed saying the pain was to much, I wanted to be felt sorry for and left alone. I wanted people to understand how horrible my pain was and the agony I was going through and that was it.

During this time, I did start to read books, I started taking an interest in art, music, history, writing, and anything else to try and keep myself busy. I played video games, I learned to meditate, I started a journal, took up mensa books, brain games, cards, computer games, puzzles, model building, and anything else I felt would help me live through another day. I didn’t realize what I was doing for another year until I met my therapist.

After meeting my Doctor, we started to work on my major issues which were loosing my identity and feeling unfulfilled and useless in my new life. I felt like I was unneeded, unnecessary, and just in the way now. Little did I know that my life would change with a simple realization! My doctor sat me down and said, Paul go home and write all the things you have done in the week between sessions, no matter what write it down. In the next week, I kept a list of things I did, no matter what, read a book, looked on Facebook, searched internet, wrote in journal, and watched a movie, and so on. Doctor Gargan said to me, looks like you had a busy week, I laughed and said “yeah real busy all I did was lay in bed”. It was the first time Doctor Gargan scolded me and told me to get over myself, she told me stop feeling sorry for myself, she told me two stories.

The stories were of two people who we all know, Stephen Hawkins and Christopher Reeves, she asked me are they losers, do they have unfulfilling lives. “Of course not” I said. We went on to talk that whole session on how these great men lives have changed but the spirit in them has not. It seems I was focusing on what I can not do and ignoring the things I can do. I was so focused on the things I lost that I was completely blind to the things I have found out about myself. I was not looking at the fact that people are drawn to us not for what we do but for who we are, our spirits our inner self. No disease, pain or ailment can take that away, it may get lost or fogged up but it is always there. I needed to learn to connect with my spirit and see what I was missing. I learned so much about myself that I never knew existed before my pain. My pain is my blessing because it helped me find my true self, the spirit I have always been, it also has helped me weed out the people in my life I don’t need and find the ones I want in my life. It has shown me that I need to just be and not worry about proving I am worth something.

I found that life is fulfilling everyday, just being should be fulfilling for all of us. We all can do something and can enjoy it to the fullest, even if that is listening to birds chirp all day, connecting with someone, keeping a journal, trying something different to eat, learning something you thought you would never enjoy, sitting in a different part of the house, finding an inspirational quote and passing it on to others, or just thinking positive thoughts.

Our bodies might be different and have restrictions now but our spirits and inner self does not. We can be a great thinker like Stephen Hawkins, or an inspiration like Christopher Reeves. You life is as fulfilling as you make it. If you choose to focus on the things you can not do and say the pain is to much to do anything then you will never be able to do all the wonderful things you can do and enjoy them. I promise you your life is fulfilling and we all have it in us, we just need a little guidance once in a while. Hoping everyone has a low pain but high spirts day.