A Pain Survivor Community

Reclaiming Our Worth

For the past few months, I have been working as a seasonal employee for Borders Bookstore. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time working as a seller. It has been wonderful meeting new people, connecting with others and helping customers, and I hope I can continue to workfor them part-time. Yet what I thought would be a simple, fun job turned out to be much more – it led to deep introspection and an “Aha” moment.

Despite all the accomplishments in my life, something was missing. Even though I knew I was courageous (we allare!), I still held on to the feeling of inadequacy. I somehow felt insignificant in certain areas of my life despite recognizing my inner-strength. It was as if my inner-warrior was at turmoil with some part of me that I could not pinpoint. That something was my worth.

Working these past few months has allowed me to uncover and heal that piece of myself. Thanks to the wisdom and guidance of dear friends, I was able to recognize that I was searching for something to make me feel valuable. I wanted to feel as though I mattered and was contributing. I now see that a job, relationship or external force does not make me a greater or lesser person. We are worthy just being US!

For the pain community, we often lose so much of ourselves to the disease – family, careers, livelihoods – that we begin to feel invisible. Our own insecurities shrink our light. As we become defeated, it is hard to pick up the pieces and reclaim our power. But that is exactly what we must do! A job can bring great personal satisfaction, but it must never be the sole basis as to ones self-worth. We have to remember that we are the heroes in our own lives.

“We need to learn, in our bones, that we’re worthy, simply for our being; for all the small seemingly inconsequential things we do every day!” –Suzy Allegra

Believing in Miracles,

Nicole

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Comment by Julian Phillips on January 8, 2011 at 7:52am: Hi Stacie:

I apologize for being brief here however i am not using my dictating software right now as we are about to go out to visit our grandson 2 hours away. but i did want to let you know that like nicole i completely understand where you are coming from. it took me 4 months to come to the point that i am still important as me even though i am no longer working. even though i knew i could not do the work expected i was still applying for all jobs that were advertised asking for my kind of experience for full time work just so i could be hole again. now i have sorta kinda accepted the situation iam in and certainly know that i am important as an individual to many other people such as my grand children. plus i have decided that if i cannot do a full time job i can volunteer so am now on the planning committee for the township i live in and have applied to be a big brother, waiting to see if i am accepted in this. i am also doing further education by doing one class per semester for an mba. by doing these i can do everything at times when i know i am capable of doing each thing and it helps to make me whole. any way i have to go now but please make contact with my through the heroes of healing web site if you wish to i think all my contact information is there. god luck god bless you and keep remembering that as it says in the bible "i am who i am" and you are important to many more people than you know.

Comment by Nicole Hemmenway on January 8, 2011 at 6:45am: Hi Stacie,

I completely understand what you are saying, as I have been there myself. In fact, there are still days when I find myself struggling to see my worth. What I have learned is that I had to redefine and reinvent me. I had to change my previous beliefs/perceptions about myself to realize I am whole, important (I do matter) just because I am alive and breathing. I think we as a society put labels on ourselves -- mom, daughter, wife, business person, friend, co-worker, etc -- which, in turn, encompass us. We then begin to lose sight of our authentic selves and view our worth on various forces.

Through my journey, I have found that while my life might not be the same, the "new me" is good too. I obviously missed (and mourned) who I used to be, but I pushed myself to be open to new possibilities as I continued to hold onto hope that one day my life would be better.

When I struggled, I would recite Ralph Waldo Emerson's quote, "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else."

I am thinking of you and so glad you are here. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your life with us. Sending healing wishes--

Comment by Stacie Cavallaro on January 7, 2011 at 5:29pm: Hello Nicole,

I agree with some of what you have written. However, it is difficult to feel like a whole person when you are not contributing to society. Especially when you have worked your entire life. When I was forced to stop working because of my illness, I felt lost and secluded from the world. It was just another thing added to the long list of things that was taken from me because of this illness. I recall sitting back and asking 'now what am I going to do with myself?" I have tried to find things to keep me busy -crocheting, scrapbooking, baking. But it is just not the same. Not to mention the financial burden that has been placed on my husband. Fortunately he makes a good living so it hasn't been that bad - but we certinly had to make adjustments to our lifestyle. So just how are we supposed to feel good about ourselves? I am interested in your reply.

Stacie

Comment by Nicole Hemmenway on January 5, 2011 at 5:08pm: I am so glad you have found this to be true too. It takes a long time to see that we are important, regardless of external forces. What matters is that we all find our self-esteem from within, as well as our worth and significance. Each of us makes a difference in this world. Hope you are doing well tonight Julian!

Comment by Julian Phillips on January 5, 2011 at 2:05pm: it has taken me three months to realize this since i gave up working due to what it does/did to me. i procrastinated over completing the disability paper work because i could not come to terms with the thought that if i was not working i was in some way unworthy. then after trying a few different things i realized that it did not matter what my mind was saying my body was far more in control of me and that i needed to understand that working is not to be, at least at the moment, for me and that it did not make me any a lessor man.

julian

Reclaiming Our Worth

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