The Angry Part of Illness

I was diagnosed in 2005 with an incurable, progressive debilitating neurological condition called RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy) or aka CRPS.

It felt like my life was over. And, I was mad! Mad at the condition, mad at the doctor who performed the surgery that triggered the RSD. But, most of all I was mad at GOD....


What had I done in my life, that was so bad I should be stricken in the prime of my life? My life had revolved around my family and work. I never hurt anyone intentionally; I obeyed the Ten Commandments as best as I could. No, I didn't attend church regularly because I was on the road every Sunday flying to client sites. But, I still held my Christian beliefs. I spoke to GOD every day thanking him for my wonderful life. I knew I was fortunate. I had a great family and an exciting, well paying job that I loved.

All that changed in Jan 2005, and I was not prepared for the journey that lay ahead. I was not ready to become dependent on others for the very basics in life like eating, dressing and bathing. I felt like a child and it was humiliating. Just getting up in the morning required assistance and then came the day I could no longer walk at all. My wheelchair felt like a mechanical prison. Everyone looked down on me; everything was out of my reach when I was in the chair.

Anger is destructive and time consuming; I really refined the "Art of Anger". It was everyone else's fault I ended up in this situation. I no longer spoke to friends and they couldn't understand why I was so mad all the time. I needed to change to save myself....

So, I started the hardest part of my journey. Instead of turning my anger inward, I found other more constructive ways to deal with it. No, I'm not perfect. Yes, some days I still get frustrated and angry. But, I know the signs to watch for and catch myself before it consumes me.

Here are some of the signs of anger: Learn to recognize them. Seek help from a physiologist or a counselor if you cannot re-channel your energy alone. Join a support group. There are so many good forums out there that allow you to express your anger and frustration without being judged.

Some physical signs of anger include:

* clenching your jaws or grinding your teeth
* headache
* stomach ache
* increased and rapid heart rate
* sweating, especially your palms
* feeling hot in the neck/face
* shaking or trembling
* dizziness

Emotionally you may feel:

* like you want to get away from the situation
* irritated
* sad or depressed
* guilty
* resentful
* anxious
* like striking out verbally or physically
* Suicidal

Also, you may notice that you are:

* rubbing your head
* cupping your fist with your other hand
* pacing
* getting sarcastic
* losing your sense of humor
* acting in an abusive or abrasive manner
* craving a drink, a smoke or other substances that relax you
* raising your voice
* beginning to yell, scream, or cry

Know that you are not alone. Everyone has these feeling sometimes.